1) You've got Mrs. without a period almost everywhere, but one or two spots with.
2) I didn't notice it until the second reading, but the second section is in present tense. I like the telegraphic writing, but I think it would work as well in past tense and would fit just a smidge better to have it in past tense like the rest of the story.
3) I'd specify *Roman* legionary, just to set the scene a little more explicitly. (At first I thought that maybe "Dennis Waterman" was the Doctor messing up "Danny Butterman" and that he had both of them with him, but that's really just my own cultural illiteracy showing...)
4) I believe the thing Angel hits his head on is a "finial", not a "filial".
5) This story has not been published in a handsome leather binding along with the rest of your fuzzfic and 280 pages of other equally awesome stories.
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Date: 2008-05-14 10:44 pm (UTC)1) You've got Mrs. without a period almost everywhere, but one or two spots with.
2) I didn't notice it until the second reading, but the second section is in present tense. I like the telegraphic writing, but I think it would work as well in past tense and would fit just a smidge better to have it in past tense like the rest of the story.
3) I'd specify *Roman* legionary, just to set the scene a little more explicitly. (At first I thought that maybe "Dennis Waterman" was the Doctor messing up "Danny Butterman" and that he had both of them with him, but that's really just my own cultural illiteracy showing...)
4) I believe the thing Angel hits his head on is a "finial", not a "filial".
5) This story has not been published in a handsome leather binding along with the rest of your fuzzfic and 280 pages of other equally awesome stories.
You, madam, RAWK. \mm/