phosfate

"He recounted turning to crime early as a 12-year-old, stealing some homing pigeons."

--The New York Times
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/13/nyregion/13mob.html?nl=todaysheadlines&emc=tha2


The follow-up jokes are left as an exercise to the reader.

Actual photo of exploding methane bubble, which destroyed the gulf coast on Saturday night.

"The reason we've never used the Raptor in Iraq is it doesn't work in places where there are wars."

--Chris Kelly, huffingtonpost.com

Let's be honest: Thursday night Bush sounded like a kid reciting the high points of fourth grade, or a challenged patient graduating to a new level in some kind of mental health rehab institution. No one could watch that and not be shaken by it. I've had my political disagreements with my friend Chris Matthews, but he summed it up really well: It was an abomination, the depiction of a world of presidents in which "every kid gets a trophy who participates."

--Joan Walsh on salon.com
http://www.salon.com/opinion/walsh/misc/2009/01/16/bush_farewell/index.html

Have decided that the only way to cope with robocalls is to not answer the phone for the next two days.

"I don't believe Condoleezza Rice can actually play piano. Everything else she's ever touched has been a fraud and a catastrophe, why should her alleged musical abilities be any different? Think about it. Think about any event she's been even remotely involved in since you first heard her name. An endless string of threats and blundering and arrogant bluffs turned squalid pigfucks. It's not that she can't do her job; she can't do anything. I think when she plays piano the piano catches fire and the audience dies."

--Chris Kelly on huffingtonpost.com
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/chris-kelly/i-want-condi_b_118598.html

Dear Neal Stephenson:

960 pages for the upcoming book.

What, another 40 would've killed you?

Your pal,

Ann

So. Second Wednesday in a row spent cowering in the basement, listening to the tornado sirens go off. I cannot begin to describe how annoying and scary this is. Also dull. The accumulating stress is making the entire city go wiggy.

Channel 8 weather guy, as a rule, starts to lose steam after the first hour and a half, and starts coming out with things like, "Tornados are bad." Last night he was reduced to drawing new warnings on the screen with that pen thing sports announcers use, because the staff just couldn't keep up. It was rather charming, really.

Window developed a massive leak right onto a bookcase. Fortunately the only things lost were old mixtapes and VHS cassettes that needed to be got rid of anyway. Tried to go out and look at it from outside, but the rain was overflowing the gutters and I only got a thorough dousing for my trouble. I lost my cellphone in all the towels, and had to call myself several times to find it. Morning revealed a sinkhole-like feature that will need to be filled in.

Deb is related to one of the poor kids who was killed by the storm, so I am glad I did not explain my morning tardiness as being due to having to pick bits of boy scout out of the chimney.

Dear American Television:

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Best,

Ann


Dear Barak and Hilary:

Just kiss already!

Love,

Ann


Dear Alien Abductees:

Please find real therapists, and not hypno-loons. Please.

Love,

Ann


Dear CNN:

Please send your staff to journalism school, or at least show them some episodes of Lou Grant over lunch.

Your pal,

Ann

"It's Still Painful Five Years Later"

--aol.com news headline engenders spontaneous cries of NO SHIT, SHERLOCK! in subscribers everywhere.