(no subject)

[phosfate]

"Hello, is this Mrs Mmnlanieer?"

"This is Ms. Larimer"

"Hello. Sorry for the mispronunciation. I'm Steve from the Cornhusker Vacuum Outlet. How are you this evening?"

"Why, I'm just fine, Steve, how are you?"

"Well I'm just fine, too, thank you. Say...is your vacuum cleaner ready for the Christmas holidays?"

"Gosh, Steve, I think so. Its shopping is all done, it's done its wrapping, and it's even got its own little tiny tree set up there in the closet."

"... Ah. That's...nice. The reason I'm calling is that this week we're offering a special holiday tune-up package. Is your vacuum a canister or an upright?"

"I'm not sure. It's at that awkward age, Steve."

"Oh...kay... What we're offering, this week only, is that we'll pick up and deliver your vacuum, we'll change the bags, put on brand new belts, and make sure that the frammastat is completely combobulated, all for only $14.95."

"Well, that's lovely, Steve, but I'm afraid the vacuum is getting ready to go visit its Grammie for the holidays, and it'll be leaving on Thursday, so this week is no good."

"Er...what?"

"The vacuum, whose name coincidentally is also Steve, is going to visit its Grandma as per the custody agreement we hammered out over the summer."

"You're giving your vacuum cleaner to her?"

"It's going to visit. For Christmas."

"You're letting her borrow it? How long will she have it?"

"It's gonna depend, Steve. If Grammie is taking her medication, and she does okay with the random visits from the Vacuum Cleaner Welfare people, he could be there for weeks."

"Um...okay. And what are you going to use to clean up while she has it?"

"I generally mop up the floor with anybody who comes near me, Steve."

"Uh-huh. So when are you getting the vacuum back?"

"I told you, we don't know. Kind of unfair to the vacuum, I think, but we have to comply with the judge's order. In any case it's kind of booked up for the week, so we won't be able to take advantage of your fine offer."

(long pause ) "You're somthing else, aren't you?"

"Yes, I am."

*click*

Comments

[kirbyfest.livejournal.com]

Bwahahahaha!

You just beat out the telephone story where my mom told my father's college (who called literally on a weekly basis to ask him to donate money) that she didn't know where the bastard was, since he'd run off with his blonde whore of a secretary.

They never called again.

The Poor Bastard

[susanmgarrett.livejournal.com]

You know no one is going to believe him. No one. He will be shunned. Probably lose his job. Then there's unemployment. Welfare. Probably turn to drink.

I hope you're happy, Missy! I really hope you're happy!

[smuu.livejournal.com]

For that torture of a vaccume salesman, I nominate you to the Order of Canada. You have brought joy to us all.

You totally rule!

[paradisacorbasi.livejournal.com]

You totally fucking rule!

We have to give you something pink and heart-shaped to throw at evil now.

Wow...

[hooverdam.livejournal.com]

That's impressive. I wish I were that clever with telemarketers.

The only time I ever even came close was when MCI called and suggested I switch my long distance service to them to get bonus miles on an airline frequent flyer account. I told the lady I'd received several direct-mail solicitations, each offering to tie an MCI account to a different airline's mileage program. "So can I just go ahead and sign up and have it count for USAirways, AA, and Delta all at once?" They haven't called since.


I watched the bee show too.

[ragdoll.livejournal.com]

LOL I need to take lessons from you. I just wind up yelling 'fuck off' into the receiver and hanging up. Loudly. I just lack so much finesse!

[finabair.livejournal.com]

Ann, you are truly lovely. And you just entertained my niece, which is quite impressive.

[weirdpixie.livejournal.com]

Heh heh. Steve the vacuum.

::spits coke all over moniter::

[amanda-now.livejournal.com]

HEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

::laughs so ludly that neighbors knock on wall::

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahah that's so awesome.

I love artists, I mean I really do. Thank god I have other artists around because for a while I thought I was the only one with that kind of sense of humor.

You rule!

[cybertardis.livejournal.com]

I wish I could torture telemarketers that way. My only claim to fame was to say to the nosy neighbor, when he asked me if my roommate and I were lesbians, "No, we used to be men." Then her dog bit him on the ankle.

My roommate at the time never quite forgave me for that one, since that comment gave the Stoop Queen gossip fodder for months.

Excuse me, I must go forth and share your vacuum cleaner story with everyone I know.

--sah

[viedma.livejournal.com]

Ann, you are the woman. So much better to make their days more surreal than to be rude-- this way you got to say "fuck off, i'm not interested" and make him smile at the same time. It's a marvel!

[moondog.livejournal.com]

You are my hero, Ann.

Say "hi" to Steve when he gets back from his -er- vacation!

Dear Ann:

[rdorothy.livejournal.com]

Should you ever be in the Boston area, please contact me and I will buy you a dinner-food. That is the best story ever. My sister used to hassle bill collectors when we were little, but yeah, nothing comes close to that. A winner is you!!

Your neighbor,
Mara K.

*Stands their dazzled*

[darqstar.livejournal.com]

You so rock. You really do.

And here I thought I was clever for telling the folks who wanted to sell me magazines that Todd and I are illiterate.

*Stares at you with more admiration*

[bittercat.livejournal.com]

ROFLMAO! That is a classic! You're a genius! :P