(no subject)

[phosfate]

[Warnings for deathiness, gore, and a minor spoiler for Signs.]

God knows it's hard to know what to say when people die. For example, it's a running joke in our office that whoever gets to sign a sympathy card first invariably writes, "Our thoughts and prayers are with you," and the poor bastards who are left to follow up have to come up with something else.

But I had a weird one yesterday. I went to the bank to clear up some stuff with one of Mom's accounts. The Lady With A Desk actually remembered her, which was nice, and did the usual condolences, and then said, "Was it a blessing, at least?" People keep asking me that. It's a well-meaning phrase, I guess, sort of like when you put your dog to sleep and at least it's not in pain anymore.

On the other hand, with a human being, it's also coded to mean, "Was it after years of ineffective chemo, with the barfing and the balding and the giant tumours?" or "Was she just dripping with agonizing sores that no painkiller could numb?" or "Did she finally kick it after a decade of being totally goon-a-rama geezer scooters until you thought you'd go nuts with the responsibility?" or "Was she, like, totally cut in half but still alive and pinned to a tree like Mel Gibson's wife in Signs?" I mean, what do you say to that?

"Uh, I suppose so," I said brilliantly. "Y'know. Considering it was death and all."

"That's good," she said.

This wasn't the first time. I swear, next person who asks that is getting, "It was fucking amazing. Her head spontaneously blew apart like Louis del Grande in Scanners. The whole neighborhood heard it. Our homeowner and medical insurance guys are in court right now, fighting over who has to pay to replace the drapes*."

Okay, I won't.


*This image courtesy of the time Mom dropped a jar of Prego sauce in the living room that went off like a grenade and made the place look like a Tobe Hooper film.

Comments

[comice.livejournal.com]

You know, I know that I should be kind and agree that people get tongue-tied and inarticulate, but part of the problem really is that people can be quite shockingly stupid and insensitive. I could come up with about a million different examples of this kind of thing -- the person who kept insisting that my sister who can't have children should stop being selfish and have a baby; the cousin who told another sister to stop crying at our grandmother's wake because it was inappropriate, etc. Sadly, this is true on the best days of our lives, and it doesn't get any better on the worst.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Ann}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[comice.livejournal.com]

Oh, sorry. I actually had a point, which was this: what's wrong with simply saying "I'm so sorry" in a sincere tone?

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

Some people mean well. Others, like the knothead who said that to your sister, need to be beaten with steel yardsticks and liberally doused with vinegar.

[comice.livejournal.com]

:: nods ::

Oh, yes.

[theodicy.livejournal.com]

And scratched by cats carrying plastic squeezers full of lemon juice.

[theodicy.livejournal.com]

Oh, lovely. My sister-in-law, whose husband, my brother, DIED ON THEIR HONEYMOON, was asked a month later, "So, I guess you're getting back to normal now?" Um, let's see.


FUCK NO.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

*gape*

*fucking GAPE*

[theodicy.livejournal.com]

Oh but YES. That was my favorite response. She and I used to collect them. My second favorite was said to me, at a CHURCH DINNER, no less. "But didn't your mother figure he'd die sooner or later?" (My brother was an epileptic, and he died from complications.)

So this is why I sympathize in a Very Deep and Personal Way.

People are pigs.

[thistlethorn.livejournal.com]

Aw, Jesus. :-( That sounds like a tragedy (in the midst of a time where one is expecting/experiencing such joy) that one might never completely get over. You poor dear (and your poor sister-in-law). The idiot who said that will hopefully go to some especially horrific afterlife.

I hope that the passage of time will provide at least some measure of healing for your family and that you all have a much greater supply of supportive friends to help than you do of unfeeling idiot bastards who clearly don't think before opening their traps.

[theodicy.livejournal.com]

Thank you...It has indeed been a bit of time; some four years. But his wife will never be the same. She's a stoic type, though, and even cheerful. But part of her is dead too, like a blasted tree.

[thistlethorn.livejournal.com]

I understand -- there are some losses that we never completely get over. May there still be some chance, though, for joy in your family down the line (I hope).

[comice.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry about your brother, and hope that your sister-in-law is doing as well as can be expected. What a terrible shock for all of you. My heart goes out to you.

On another note, I want to friend you for your totally AWESOME name and your wonderful taste in iconage.

Of course, I was a theology minor in college, so ...

[theodicy.livejournal.com]

Feel free!

Thanks for the kind words. Greg died over four years ago, and his wife will never really be the same - but she's the stalwart type.