(no subject)

[phosfate]

[Warnings for deathiness, gore, and a minor spoiler for Signs.]

God knows it's hard to know what to say when people die. For example, it's a running joke in our office that whoever gets to sign a sympathy card first invariably writes, "Our thoughts and prayers are with you," and the poor bastards who are left to follow up have to come up with something else.

But I had a weird one yesterday. I went to the bank to clear up some stuff with one of Mom's accounts. The Lady With A Desk actually remembered her, which was nice, and did the usual condolences, and then said, "Was it a blessing, at least?" People keep asking me that. It's a well-meaning phrase, I guess, sort of like when you put your dog to sleep and at least it's not in pain anymore.

On the other hand, with a human being, it's also coded to mean, "Was it after years of ineffective chemo, with the barfing and the balding and the giant tumours?" or "Was she just dripping with agonizing sores that no painkiller could numb?" or "Did she finally kick it after a decade of being totally goon-a-rama geezer scooters until you thought you'd go nuts with the responsibility?" or "Was she, like, totally cut in half but still alive and pinned to a tree like Mel Gibson's wife in Signs?" I mean, what do you say to that?

"Uh, I suppose so," I said brilliantly. "Y'know. Considering it was death and all."

"That's good," she said.

This wasn't the first time. I swear, next person who asks that is getting, "It was fucking amazing. Her head spontaneously blew apart like Louis del Grande in Scanners. The whole neighborhood heard it. Our homeowner and medical insurance guys are in court right now, fighting over who has to pay to replace the drapes*."

Okay, I won't.


*This image courtesy of the time Mom dropped a jar of Prego sauce in the living room that went off like a grenade and made the place look like a Tobe Hooper film.

Comments

[theodicy.livejournal.com]

Yeah. It's like that, sometimes.

I'm sorry.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

*snugs*

Is that Alice Liddell?

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

It's like they're wanting you to make it all normal for them and comfort them by asking that. Saying, "I'm sorry for your loss," may feel totally dumb and trite and unhelpful, and it is, though well-meaning. But asking you to affirm something positive is really self-indulgent of them. I can't decipher that urge as well-meaning to you in any way. WTF is wrong with people sometimes? Can I kick them?

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

Do not kick them. They will call the police.

[amilyn.livejournal.com]

I love you more than I can say.

*hugs*

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

*mek*

[kirbyfest.livejournal.com]

People have no idea what to say.

If it's someone I'm close to, I generally just hug them, which some people probably find more hideous than platitudes, but there you go.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

That works fine.

[suzyd.livejournal.com]

Did your mom just die?? I'm sorry to hear that. She sounded cool. Are you okay?

I don't really know what to say either. *general feelings of sadness and positive wishes for the future directed your way*

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

Aw, bless. Yeah, she kicked it like...Jesus, it's only been three weeks. It seems like three years, or three minutes.

She was the coolest. I miss her cries of, "You lying bastard!" every time George Bush appeared on the tv.

Yeah, I'm okay. Trying to figure out what to do with myself. I invent a lot of errands (Eggs! I must buy eggs NOW!) and watch a lot of DVDs. But it's going surprisingly well.

[ashenmote.livejournal.com]

I know. It should be more like 'So, on a scale from 0 to 10, how much of a blessing would you say it was?', just to take away the suggestiveness.

The worst talk I remember from back when my mom died was when I had to carry the unopened medicament supply back to the apothecary. The overwhelmed PTA was all extra at-pains and sincere-like and 'Can't stop! Must try out next vaguely suitable phrase!'-like to make up for the awkwardness of the transaction. Gah. The poor girl.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

Oh, the poor kid!

You know what's weird? I'm trying to figure out how to tell Will the Lawn Guy. He really liked her.

[kannaophelia.livejournal.com]

Mum and I nursed Nanna for the last year or so, which is the real reason my PhD died, and people would ask that. I couldn't snark, I would try to answer honestly and say, well, the last year was awful, she was in constant pain and confused, she had no control over her bowels or bladder and had lost all dignity in having to be catheterised and cleaned by her grand daughter, she was slowly starving because she wouldn't eat and she was nearly scalded to death when I fell asleep during the day and she tried to shower herself and ended up lying on the floor as the hot water blasted - I will *never* forgive myself for that, I still wake up crying - but I loved her and I missed her and I wanted her alive and with me and she was always loved and loving... so maybe it was "a blessing for her" but I'm selfish and I want her back. So not a blessing for me, no, and maye not for her, because there were still things that made her happy... her family, for one.

Of course, all I managed was to say "sort of" and start crying.

Because, yeah, what you really want is for your loved ones to be alive and free of pain, not dead.

I'm sorry. This is not helpful. But you are kind and gallant and courageous and quite lovely, so I detest people, however well meant, for asking you insensitive questions like that.

~millions of hugs~

[comice.livejournal.com]

I don't know you, but I'm sending you millions of hugs.

[taraljc.livejournal.com]

It was fucking amazing. Her head spontaneously blew apart like Louis del Grande in Scanners. The whole neighborhood heard it. Our homeowner and medical insurance guys are in court right now, fighting over who has to pay to replace the drapes.

This is part of why I'm incredibly glad I know you.

Also, I love you, and stuff, and I'm thinking about you. Not in, you know, a dirty way.

*smooshes you with virtual hugs what don't actually involve weird people touching you inappropriately*

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

"Now show me on the doll where Tara touched you."

*points to ear*

[kosher-jenny.livejournal.com]

It's one of those things where people have such a difficult time saying the right words. You panic about sounding like an insensitive jerk so you use a "well-meaning" phrase as you put it. You want to reach out and hug them, but people always react differently to physical contact so even that's uncertain.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

Oh, totally.

I liked the nurses at the hospice, because they were uniformly kind, but remarkably free of bullshit, and honest without being the least bit cold. One told (totally Morphined-out) Mom, "You better not be here when I get back."

[ex-sporknin.livejournal.com]

<3

[ex-sporknin.livejournal.com]

Oh thanks, livejournal, for eating that.

♥

There.

[comice.livejournal.com]

You know, I know that I should be kind and agree that people get tongue-tied and inarticulate, but part of the problem really is that people can be quite shockingly stupid and insensitive. I could come up with about a million different examples of this kind of thing -- the person who kept insisting that my sister who can't have children should stop being selfish and have a baby; the cousin who told another sister to stop crying at our grandmother's wake because it was inappropriate, etc. Sadly, this is true on the best days of our lives, and it doesn't get any better on the worst.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Ann}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[comice.livejournal.com]

Oh, sorry. I actually had a point, which was this: what's wrong with simply saying "I'm so sorry" in a sincere tone?

[thistlethorn.livejournal.com]

People totally don't know what to say. Inevitably (and I count myself regrettably in this category) they (we) say something moronic.

However, I have to say that the image from the Prego-sauce explosion is a fitting and wonderful tribute to your Mom, whose sense of humor (just from your LJ posts alone, since I wasn't lucky enough to meet her) seemed delightful and just a little wacky and firmly intact. I never met her and she was one of my favorite people.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

I thought she was gonna commit suicide right there, because of the custom white silk drapes. Fortunately, I innocently asked if our homeowners policy covered it, she called Roger the insurance guy, and we had appallingly expensive new drapes made and paid for by State Farm. (Roger's wife, coincidentally, got the untouched set from the other window. Insurance companies apparently sell replaced property to their employees and families.)

We found hidden sauce splats for years afterward -- behind the fridge, under ledgey bits of furniture, etc.

[cocoajava.livejournal.com]

Ya know, you are so Ann that sometimes your complete and total Ann-ness just puts me in a state of Larimerosity beyond belief.

Don't ever not be yourself. For one thing, um, well, I wouldn't recognize you and that would just be as anticlimatic as this sentence.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

I've tried it. It doesn't...it doesn't work very well. It's like that picture in the encyclopedia of the chicken that didn't get any zinc in its diet, ever.

[hawkmoth.livejournal.com]

*hugs you*

This wasn't the first time. I swear, next person who asks that is getting, "It was fucking amazing. Her head spontaneously blew apart like Louis del Grande in Scanners. The whole neighborhood heard it. Our homeowner and medical insurance guys are in court right now, fighting over who has to pay to replace the drapes*."

Okay, I won't.

But--that's so totally you. However, you would get a lot of strange looks.

Louis! Hee.

The Prego thing reminds me of the time I was in the supermarket and someone dropped a plastic bottle of ketchup. Freaking thing went off, as you said, like a grenade.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

Whoah. Clean-up in aisle 7.

They use Lou's exploding head on The Daily Show from time to time. Always a pleasure.

[violetisblue.livejournal.com]

"It was fucking amazing. Her head spontaneously blew apart like Louis del Grande in Scanners. The whole neighborhood heard it. Our homeowner and medical insurance guys are in court right now, fighting over who has to pay to replace the drapes."

I love you. Though I suspect the response might then be, "But were they very ugly drapes, and was it a blessing at least to be rid of them?"

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

*notes*
*revises to "custom white silk drapes"*

[spinooti.livejournal.com]

Ann, have I told you that you are one of my favorite people on the internet? Because it's TRUE.

Have you read Yotsuba? If not, can you send me your mailing address? These are two not unrelated questions.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

You. Love.

I have Yotsuba, and it is awesome and cool and the best thing ever, and you're right, reading it right now would be a good idea. Tried to get the Unit to read it, because she would've ended up rolling on the floor, but she was having none of this cartooniness and backwards pagination. I'd suspect that she still held a grudge over Pearl Harbor, but she liked Miyazaki and J-horror and even sat through Blue Submarine No. 6, so I guess that wasn't it.

If you haven't read it, you might really like Totto-Chan: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/4770020678/qid=1143211709/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/104-8614220-2882320?s=books&v=glance&n=283155

[esorlehcar.livejournal.com]

*hugs you a lot*

I didn't get "was it a blessing," though I seemed to spend way too much time saying deeply trite things like, "I'm just glad she didn't suffer," and "There's nothing she would have hated more than feeling useless, so I'm glad she never deteriorated to that point."

The question that really drove me batshit was the soft, studiously heartfelt, "How are you?" Because it came from fucking everyone, and honestly, what the FUCK do you say to that? "I'm FABULOUS, how are you?!" I know there's nothing to say, and I know people have to say it anyway, and god knows I've been the one spouting well-meant but incredibly inane things many, many times. But that doesn't make it suck any less when it happens to you.

I like the Scanners idea, though. I say go with that!

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

Sometimes trite is good. 'Cause I want to say, "Lucky bitch got morphine and a flat-screen TV. Fuckers wouldn't give us any goddamn morphine. We asked." They even make this oral morphine that you just sort of swab inside your mouth, it would've been totally easy to use. But no sharesies. Bastards.

I can handle "How are you?" now, though at the beginning I tended too much toward the inappropriate frankness: "Okay. I got some really good pills, so I don't wake up screaming so much," or a cryptic "This site has gone five days without a fatality," to a perfectly blameless Walgreen's clerk who only wanted me to take my lightbulbs and leave.

I fear the inevitable "How's your Mom?" "Dead." And I know it'll happen.

[tacohime.livejournal.com]

I'd suggest telling them that you poured a 40 out on the curb for her, as all homies do in rememberance of the fallen, but the response you came up with is pretty damn brilliant on its own.

Here, boobs: ( . ) ( . )

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

I actually wanna do that with a can of Pepsi, but it's been too cold. I bet Kimmi'd do it with me, though.

[robanybody.livejournal.com]

You are amazing in every respect, Ann.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

My brain is special.

[sorchar.livejournal.com]

Somehow, I think maybe your mother would be amused by that.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

I'm waiting for her ashes to bust out of their tin and go all The Mummy on somebody's ass the next time something stupid happens.

Now that I think of it, I should put some more tape on the lid...

[norabombay.livejournal.com]

Ouch. Sometimes I wonder if the worst part of losing somebody is the sympathy about it.

Although? What else is there to say?

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

Nothing else. Death is just awkward. I think everybody's inner 3-year-old is just saying, "But where did they go?" and we cover it with awkward.

The answer!

[tacohime.livejournal.com]

Clearly, you should direct those looking for The Right Thing To Say to this image:

Re: The answer!

[ashenmote.livejournal.com]

Okay, that's awesome! That touched my heart. From now on I will look more kindly on these scrolly text boards [do those have a specific name btw?].
*saves*

[angrylemur.livejournal.com]

Oh, the awkwardness inherent in grief.

This is why I usually shut up, and/or make lots of cookies.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

My friend Teri made us a lasagne the size of a jumbo box of Lincoln Logs. It was all full of love. And cheese.

[nitasee.livejournal.com]

"It was fucking amazing. Her head spontaneously blew apart like Louis del Grande in Scanners. The whole neighborhood heard it. Our homeowner and medical insurance guys are in court right now, fighting over who has to pay to replace the drapes*."

I wish I could have thought of something that cool (and sick) to say back when my father died. I think in some perverse way (is there any other), he would have enjoyed that.

This is just more proof that you are the awesomest person I know!

[oohasparklie.livejournal.com]

People always do say some really stupid things, but then again, what do you say in those situations, you know?

Also, I am very very sorry about your Mom. *Hughughug*

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

*hug* Thank you.

Yeah, there's not a lot you can say. I suppose the real art is in stopping before you eat a foot.