it's everywhere! oh, god, it's in my raccoon wounds!

[phosfate]

Dear Mom:

I know one isn't supposed to speak ill of the dopey, tiny dead, but what the FUCK were you thinking with the open tin of fruit cocktail in the back of the cupboard? Did you mistake the cupboard for the icebox last fall, or was this some sort of April Fool's pre-planning foiled by the Grim Reaper?

'Cause, listen up lady, it is BLUE, it is FURRY, and it is STICKY AS FUCK back in there. It's really horrible. I swear to God, I am going to open up the tin with your ashes in it, and spread 'em around to absorb the ick, like sawdust on barf at a theme park. And then you and your evolving fruit cocktail are going straight into the Lancaster County landfill.

I could deal with the horrible knee-high socks you left everywhere, but this is a whole new level of gross. You're not funny, dead lady. Shut up. STOP LAUGHING DAMMIT!

Love,

Ann

Comments

[ginnytonnick.livejournal.com]

I should probably not be laughing this hard, so I'm just gonna go for now.

[ex-blurryca.livejournal.com]

Hi. Caitlyn linked me to this post. Hope you don't mind me barging in but I have to ask. Is that a mudcat in your icon? All I can think of when I look at it is the Carolina Mudcats.

Maybe your mother was trying to grow her own penicillin.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

No, sorry. I have no idea what a mudcat is. It's a picture cybertardis drew of me and a cactus wearing a Santa hat.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

I suppose I should be touched that she left me a present.

[nitasee.livejournal.com]

OH, Ann, I don't know what to say other than: bawhahahahahahaha!!!!!

[ex-blurryca.livejournal.com]

Your default icon!

[jeff-morris.livejournal.com]

Ohhh, does that bring back memories.

When my grandmother died, a group of us took it upon ourselves to clean out her house--she'd been living with my parents for the last year. Hit the kitchen and started tossing all the boxes of pancake mix, flour, etc., and my aunt hit the ceiling. "You shouldn't do that!" she yelled. "Set it to one side and we'll take it home with us!"

"But it's probably got bugs in it..." my wife tried to say, but Auntie wouldn't hear of it.

It eventually got back to us that she took the goodies home, opened one box of buggies, and threw it all out.

Happy birthday, BTW.

JSM

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

Oh! No, it is Ourry, the Happy Little Ouroborous.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

I just thank God for mandatory expiration dates. I found a box of pudding from 2004.

*sporfle*

[danakate.livejournal.com]

Happy birthday!

And, I can't help it, ahahahahaha! :D

I hope this doesn't leave any, uh, permanent scars on your memory. ;)

[cocoajava.livejournal.com]

Oi. Memories of cleaning out Momma Caribou's house after she moved into the Resisted-Care Apartment Facility.

I found a bottle of Watkin's paprika that pre-dated my own existence on this planet.

Still. Open fruit cocktail, festering mightily. Just one of those ways parents tell the kids they love em, I suppose.

[hawkmoth.livejournal.com]

Happy Birthday, you!

Just last week at work, I found something equally squicky in a drawer in the break room. A ziploc bag full of furry, moldy apple slices. Yum.

I'm soooo glad I wasn't around when the in-laws moved out of their house 3 years ago...I know there was food stuff in the kitchen cabinets as old as Michelle and I bet some of it when to the condo with them...and half the stuff in the fridge when Grandma was still around (and after...) was well past the expiration date.

[thistlethorn.livejournal.com]

Happy birthday to *you*! Fuzzy blue fruit cocktail was what you wanted? Obviously, only a mother could know you *that* well.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

The first day Kim was here, I found a head of lettuce in a Zippy Bag that can only be described as resembling a human brain in every particular*. But it was at least bagged and refrigerated, not loose in the house.


*I screamed and screamed and screamed. She came running. "Look. See? It's okay. I'm putting it in the garbage, see? It's okay. I'm taking the bag out and putting it in the trashcan. It's okay. It's over. See? It's out of the house. It's okay." "YARGH AUGHAUGHAUGHAUGHAGUH AIEEEEEEEE OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD."

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

She promised me a fat quarter of mohair! This isn't the same at all!

[marlo.livejournal.com]

HAY ANN GUESS WHAT?

HAPPPPPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</>FONT

I LOVE YOU AND YOU ARE MY HERO
SO YOUR BIRTHDAY BETTER BE AWESOME K

[tikistitch.livejournal.com]

Stitchie birthday to yooooooo....

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

SQUEEE! *snuggle*

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

K!

[tsamm.livejournal.com]

Happy birthday! You've already gotten the best present EVER, but I hope other good things come your way as well.

[bodhibird.livejournal.com]

Even now that she's dead, you have a relationship with your mom that I really envy. Mine's been gone almost twenty years, and I still have to say "Shut up, Edith, you're dead" every once in a while.

(And hippo birdies 2 ewe!)

[ahli.livejournal.com]

You might be the awesomest person ever.
here, have cake.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHA!!!! <3<3<3



And Happy Birthday, you!!!

[oliveoyl.livejournal.com]

Laughing here.

Happy birthday, darling.

[thistlethorn.livejournal.com]

But any toy you made outta *this* would be very unique.

If a bit transitory. Or actually not -- it could grow and *evolve*.