it's everywhere! oh, god, it's in my raccoon wounds!

[phosfate]

Dear Mom:

I know one isn't supposed to speak ill of the dopey, tiny dead, but what the FUCK were you thinking with the open tin of fruit cocktail in the back of the cupboard? Did you mistake the cupboard for the icebox last fall, or was this some sort of April Fool's pre-planning foiled by the Grim Reaper?

'Cause, listen up lady, it is BLUE, it is FURRY, and it is STICKY AS FUCK back in there. It's really horrible. I swear to God, I am going to open up the tin with your ashes in it, and spread 'em around to absorb the ick, like sawdust on barf at a theme park. And then you and your evolving fruit cocktail are going straight into the Lancaster County landfill.

I could deal with the horrible knee-high socks you left everywhere, but this is a whole new level of gross. You're not funny, dead lady. Shut up. STOP LAUGHING DAMMIT!

Love,

Ann

Comments

[jeff-morris.livejournal.com]

Ohhh, does that bring back memories.

When my grandmother died, a group of us took it upon ourselves to clean out her house--she'd been living with my parents for the last year. Hit the kitchen and started tossing all the boxes of pancake mix, flour, etc., and my aunt hit the ceiling. "You shouldn't do that!" she yelled. "Set it to one side and we'll take it home with us!"

"But it's probably got bugs in it..." my wife tried to say, but Auntie wouldn't hear of it.

It eventually got back to us that she took the goodies home, opened one box of buggies, and threw it all out.

Happy birthday, BTW.

JSM

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

I just thank God for mandatory expiration dates. I found a box of pudding from 2004.

[kamiki-seto.livejournal.com]

Some of this stuff at Jeff's grandmother's house was so old it was from before expiration dates were required....such as spices in A&P tins. (A&P has been dead as a grocery store in this part of the country since the early 1970s). This wasn't stuff that was merely slightly questionable, this was stuff that was ANCIENT. And Jeff's aunt wanted all of it.

Jeff left off the best part. Apparently the buggies in the rescued goods infested her kitchen and she had to get rid of -everything-.

I ended up with a few utensils from that kitchen that are sturdy, functional, and I use all the time. Those, Jeff's aunt wanted to pitch. But heaven forbid I should pitch spoiled food....

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

I hope you saved the tins!