it's everywhere! oh, god, it's in my raccoon wounds!

[phosfate]

Dear Mom:

I know one isn't supposed to speak ill of the dopey, tiny dead, but what the FUCK were you thinking with the open tin of fruit cocktail in the back of the cupboard? Did you mistake the cupboard for the icebox last fall, or was this some sort of April Fool's pre-planning foiled by the Grim Reaper?

'Cause, listen up lady, it is BLUE, it is FURRY, and it is STICKY AS FUCK back in there. It's really horrible. I swear to God, I am going to open up the tin with your ashes in it, and spread 'em around to absorb the ick, like sawdust on barf at a theme park. And then you and your evolving fruit cocktail are going straight into the Lancaster County landfill.

I could deal with the horrible knee-high socks you left everywhere, but this is a whole new level of gross. You're not funny, dead lady. Shut up. STOP LAUGHING DAMMIT!

Love,

Ann

Comments

[ginnytonnick.livejournal.com]

I should probably not be laughing this hard, so I'm just gonna go for now.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

I suppose I should be touched that she left me a present.

[ex-blurryca.livejournal.com]

Hi. Caitlyn linked me to this post. Hope you don't mind me barging in but I have to ask. Is that a mudcat in your icon? All I can think of when I look at it is the Carolina Mudcats.

Maybe your mother was trying to grow her own penicillin.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

No, sorry. I have no idea what a mudcat is. It's a picture cybertardis drew of me and a cactus wearing a Santa hat.

[nitasee.livejournal.com]

OH, Ann, I don't know what to say other than: bawhahahahahahaha!!!!!

*sporfle*

[danakate.livejournal.com]

Happy birthday!

And, I can't help it, ahahahahaha! :D

I hope this doesn't leave any, uh, permanent scars on your memory. ;)

[cocoajava.livejournal.com]

Oi. Memories of cleaning out Momma Caribou's house after she moved into the Resisted-Care Apartment Facility.

I found a bottle of Watkin's paprika that pre-dated my own existence on this planet.

Still. Open fruit cocktail, festering mightily. Just one of those ways parents tell the kids they love em, I suppose.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

Resisted-Care

I drove by an assisted living place yesterday and busted up laughing behind the wheel. YOU MIGHT HAVE KILLED ME, WENCH!

[hawkmoth.livejournal.com]

Happy Birthday, you!

Just last week at work, I found something equally squicky in a drawer in the break room. A ziploc bag full of furry, moldy apple slices. Yum.

I'm soooo glad I wasn't around when the in-laws moved out of their house 3 years ago...I know there was food stuff in the kitchen cabinets as old as Michelle and I bet some of it when to the condo with them...and half the stuff in the fridge when Grandma was still around (and after...) was well past the expiration date.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

The first day Kim was here, I found a head of lettuce in a Zippy Bag that can only be described as resembling a human brain in every particular*. But it was at least bagged and refrigerated, not loose in the house.


*I screamed and screamed and screamed. She came running. "Look. See? It's okay. I'm putting it in the garbage, see? It's okay. I'm taking the bag out and putting it in the trashcan. It's okay. It's over. See? It's out of the house. It's okay." "YARGH AUGHAUGHAUGHAUGHAGUH AIEEEEEEEE OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD."

[thistlethorn.livejournal.com]

Happy birthday to *you*! Fuzzy blue fruit cocktail was what you wanted? Obviously, only a mother could know you *that* well.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

She promised me a fat quarter of mohair! This isn't the same at all!

[marlo.livejournal.com]

HAY ANN GUESS WHAT?

HAPPPPPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</>FONT

I LOVE YOU AND YOU ARE MY HERO
SO YOUR BIRTHDAY BETTER BE AWESOME K

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

K!

[tikistitch.livejournal.com]

Stitchie birthday to yooooooo....

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

SQUEEE! *snuggle*

[tsamm.livejournal.com]

Happy birthday! You've already gotten the best present EVER, but I hope other good things come your way as well.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

^_^

[bodhibird.livejournal.com]

Even now that she's dead, you have a relationship with your mom that I really envy. Mine's been gone almost twenty years, and I still have to say "Shut up, Edith, you're dead" every once in a while.

(And hippo birdies 2 ewe!)

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

Oh, I don't doubt I'll be saying that many times in the years to come. Only I won't call her "Edith," because it'll only confuse her.

[ahli.livejournal.com]

You might be the awesomest person ever.
here, have cake.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

*dives for it*

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHA!!!! <3<3<3



And Happy Birthday, you!!!

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

*pek*

[oliveoyl.livejournal.com]

Laughing here.

Happy birthday, darling.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

Thank you, mon ange.

[bentleywg.livejournal.com]

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

*dies of glee*

[ramalama.livejournal.com]

Still lovin' your mom. So sweet of her to plan ahead for your birthday.

[theodicy.livejournal.com]

:sniff:

I'm just overcome by your mother's loving gift from BEYOND THE GRAVE.

:wipes eyes:

Happy birthday, o Ann. Life is better on the planet because of you.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

TOP THIS, GHOST HUNTERS!

[gossamerrain]

oh dear. x.x and happy birfday!

when we cleaned out my grandmother's house there were boxes of pudding mix that were old enough that they might have fetched a good amount as collectibles... o.o but those at least were -dry-. yikes!

[arien.livejournal.com]

I am soooo not looking forward to cleaning out my grandmothers' houses when they die. One has Parkinson's and has been on her own for ten years, and the other is batshit insane. Who knows what goodies I'll find?

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

Dead bird parts. And the tiny skulls of children.

[kamiki-seto.livejournal.com]

Maybe she was trying to make pruno?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pruno

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

The end result has been colourfully described as a "vomit-flavoured wine-cooler", although it should be noted that flavor is not the primary objective.

*coffee spray*

[teapotgirl.livejournal.com]

Was this a birthday present from her?

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

She promised me mohair. It's not the same. It's not the same at all.

[comice.livejournal.com]

Well, it certainly seems to be the gift that keeps on giving, but was the willies really what you wanted for your birthday?

:: gives you a Howitzer ::

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

[renne.livejournal.com]

happy birthday, ann. xx

(were the socks just randomly stashed in places?)

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

They...oh, God. They were in drawers, under the bed, at the bottom of the closet, in the laundry room... I think she'd take them off and they'd go springing away, and with her eyesight they'd be completely invisible. Or she'd put them in a drawer and forget. I couldn't figure out why suddenly we had to go buy boxes of nylons every couple of months.

Her li'l luv gifts

[kissoflife.livejournal.com]

Awww. See, she was thinking sweet goopy wuv would be too mushy for _your_ birfday. So she... aged it. Yes, I feel certain she was aiming for -dry- wry champagne, or a nice aperitif, but just didn't pick a place cool enough. Must be.

It's the thought that counts. Or she wanted to give herself a good laugh watching you rant from on high. Just like old times??

And Happy Birthday.

Re: Her li'l luv gifts

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

She only thinks she's funny.

*shudder*

[cocoajava.livejournal.com]

*whistles innocently*

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

*shrieks, hugs*

It's just what I wanted! How did you know?