in which i am verbally abused by a squirrel

[phosfate]

Long story, but the power company wouldn't cut my trees, so I got Will the lawn guy (hi Will!) to do it. Which he did, stealthily.

I come home yesterday with food and drugs, and have to make a couple trips from the house to the car to unload everything. There's something odd about the light, but I don't pay much attention. Then I see this squirrel come out of the bush by the window, and park on the invisible tree. And he starts yelling at me.

(The invisible tree is this tree I didn't even know existed until I hacked at the giant window bush, which got a bit out of control. I thought it was a part of the widgy tree. Nope. Whole new tree.)

I look at him. "What?"

*stream of squirrel cussin'*

"What? You're fine."

*more rodental invective*

So I walk over to the invisible tree. "What is your problem?" There are wood chips on the ground. And O HAI NEWLY TRIMMED TREES. Apparently Will was there. Or I was a victim of the Phantom Arborist, who has terrorized the prairie ever since the construction of Arbor Lodge. "Oh. Well, sorry."

*squirrel blue streak*

"Dude. It's not like anybody's gonna hurt you back here anyway. Look at you. You're huge."

*Jerry Springer beeps, curses*

"That would be more convincing if you didn't have a huge nut in your mouth, fatso."

I go inside. I am faintly disturbed that this tree rat is actually able to make the connection between Will and his chainsaw and me, and knows to blame me for it. Also, the way he was sitting on the branch, I got to see a lot more of his genitals than I really cared to. He was packing more than just the one nut, is what I'm saying.

Comments

[hooverdam.livejournal.com]

the Phantom Arborist, who has terrorized the prairie

It's true. I call the cops, I try to take out restraining orders, I get nothing, just this guy keeps coming by and pruning all hours of the night.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

Fucker. Knows just how to skirt around the law.

[ecto-gammat.livejournal.com]

COMMUNISTS! They shall take over.. I'm convinced

[goddessdster.livejournal.com]

shirty squirrel

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

aggro squirrel

[thistlethorn.livejournal.com]

Squirrels try to fool us with all of that happy, carefree running and playing, and the cute squirrely acrobatics, but they have a fuckin' *dark side*.

Moonshadow has come running home to Mommy more than once after being threatened by an unholy interspecies gang of squirrels and blue jays.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

Oh, God, squirrels and jays together... *shudder*

[thistlethorn.livejournal.com]

You just know they're Beelzebub's minions, sent to terrorize a poor little fluffy predator who only wants to chase them for fun.

[thistlethorn.livejournal.com]

Uh...even worse? We just had 4 vultures on our deck and in our yard. I'm not kidding. Vultures. <SHUDDER> Luckily Moonshadow was inside sleeping at the time. There must've been something dead in our yard, but we didn't find anything. There was definitely a smell, though. EWW.

[lots42.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I don't walk my small old dogs because of the HUGE BIRDS OF PREY (including vultures) seen around the block.

[dorothy1901]

A squirrel is unhappy? Well, good!

hate squirrels hate squirrels hate squirrels hate hate hate

[tikistitch.livejournal.com]

Next time, pretend to mistake him for a possum. That always annoys them, hahaha.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

I worry that might be kind of racist.

Talking to Squirrels

[amanda-now.livejournal.com]

So inspiration for your Hot Fuzz fic actually sometimes comes from real life?

Don't you?

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

For most of them. Seriously.

[renne.livejournal.com]

You always have the best discussions with squirrels. Shirty little buggers.

[lots42.livejournal.com]

The local lizards learned to avoid the shadows of my fingers [1] over the course of many weeks. Days would go by. THEY REMEMBERED. Creepy.

[1] Yes, I -was- mean.